Hey Kevin, want to hear a funny story? Your mom called the other day, she was all torn up because you died. Yep, you were carjacked in South Central picking up an underage prostitute. Funny isn’t it? The story had me in stitches.

Might have read about your demise in the Los Angeles Times obituaries, but oh wait, you couldn’t because you were in Puerto Vallarta with your stupid whore wife and your four stupid whore wife’s kids who are also your damn kids. I knew you were incommunicado because I’ve been watching you. My new boyfriend Jason is an amateur private investigator, and he tracked your dumb ass down to the minute. Your mom died inside when she read your suicide note.

Oh yeah, you left a suicide note you drippy dickhead. Oh, drippy? Yes, I just got the results back. I’m not pregnant, but I am seeping from the seams, and I know it isn’t any of the other guys I’ve been with since we did it. All of them told me they were tested and clean, so it was obviously you, dummy. Jason, Dave, Tom, Howard, Ishmael, Rowan, Egy and Brennan were all way clean, and half of them didn’t even hit me in the front, so it was you and we both know it. I hope your stupid wife goes blind from your clap.

Call me when you get back, we need to talk and hang out if we can. I miss you honey. We can still be good for both of us.