Check this out. You think I’m nobody but you’re nobody. Us Britney people are way the coolest and you know it. Chris Crocker may be a sick, messed up flamer (we talked on MySpace but he’s a douche nozzle) but we’re still the very people you wish you could be. We know something you don’t. We have the grasp on life you don’t.

Why? It’s because I’m a close personal friend of Britney Spears. Yes, THE Britney Spears. We are friends. She talks to me, she gives me advice for my life, and she helps me through all the BS I deal with every day.

More than that, Britney Spears is a role model for all women.

She’s a gem, and matron saint and the best human being alive in Los Angeles or anywhere else.

She’s stuck raising her stupid kids all by herself, and she doesn’t even get to do that because that F-Tard K-Fed steals them most of the time. She’s a single mother trying to balance a career with being the world’s best mom (she so is that!)

Her mama Jamie-Lynn does the goods, and her baby sister is just like her which is way cool. Some people say she’s too young but whatever she’s not a kid she knows what she’s up to and she’s got a killer career we all want so cool, right?

Her mama Jamie Lynn is a hero. She is the obvious role model for the family and her daughters make more money than trump just for showing up at parties. So what if mama Spears uses her daughters to Cougar hunt on the LA scene, she’s earned those herpes from the best of the best in town.

Just go on to read part two of why I HEART Britney (I’d post a link but I don’t know how to do that, so just look around in a couple days or a week and you’ll find it.)

This ain’t free, but it might be right affordable, sez my new friend Tryee. I met him maybe a couple months back when I was hittin the bowling alley way late at night, and he’s way cool and wears the bling like nothing else, and his car is hot as hell (it’s like a 90’s Chevy and it’s pimped to the gills and bounced on the right damn times and people next to us at the light love it.)

Thing is I can’t say he’s perfect cool cuz he said he had cop protection but when we got pulled over he was pulled out and arrested (some old traffic ticket he called and told me from jail) and the pigs picked me up and sent me home saying I got saved and protected from him cuz he’s some kind of bad guy but he talked so good and I like him like mad hell.

So what’s my philosofee?

I like to think of myself as a smart woman who knows what the hell is going on around her, and I know I am. He’s not that bad and I’m not stupid about it. I have an internal fourth sense about these things and it’s something better than my sense of smell, so check it.

My phiosofrees are:

- If it feels good, you’d be stupid not to do it.

- If it pays well, you’d be insane not to let it happen.

- If it’s got nose or vein candy just take it and make off,

- If he’s gross just tell him you’re underage and run like hell.

- There’s nothing you can’t get out of, no matter how bad it is, by gobbling like a turkey, you chicken.

- Don’t think about your parents crying thinking about what things you have to do to get by, your parents did it too (both of them, yes) and just shut up, close your eyes, suppress the bad memories, think of your favorite Britney song and use it as your rhythm for what you have to do to get the money you need.

- Don’t be mad if he “hits you baby one more time”

- Go off the pill whenever you can and trap that man if he has a good enough car and retire tomorrow with your interracial baby in tow.

My Philosofee is that I charge only a small fee, and it’s pretty affordable, and I’ll do whatevery I have to to make the whole thing happen cuz I gots mad bills to get paid and you’re my new boss. I work my ass off, but really I work my ass “on”, but it’s really “on” your face, and you like it cux of my age and it’s all flawless so let’s do this.

That’s my phiosofree.

I know you read those stupid tabloids that chase Britney around and make her life miserably and if you do that you have to stop. I see you in line at the grocery store and your buying it and I’m going to say something to you I always do. There is one on the internet called Daily Contempt and they are the worst.

They make up lies about Britney and think their so funny. They are funny but that’s not the point. They attack Britney and she’s a good person (maybe the best) and she didn’t do anything to deserve this.

They aren’t lies really but they make it sound like lies and that’s just as bad. They take little things she does, normal stuff like driving without the kid buckled in right, and they make it like she’s a devil or something.

Heres some headlines they did and why they are so stupid. (These only go back like a couple months, so check out how super dumb and biased this BS is even such a short term.)

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Britny Brain Damaged and Secretly Drugged - What hog gobbledy wash, she isn’t SECRETLY drug addicted a damn bit, that’s teh-tarded. She’s OPENLY drugged you assclownhats. What teh ever.

Nothing About Brittney Spears or Eva Mendez or Kirsten Dunst, Dammit! - Suggesting that these celbrititasticoochies are “sluts” as the pictures suggests just becauase thehy are free to sleep with anywhatever guys hot enough to wander through is outdated, arcanist and sexy. That means it favors just men, hellO!

Britney in for the Long Haul! - If you’re going to be an f’ing C about it, do it with better grammar. I know this Adrian Rian John is all about writing for that fag rag in Seattle called The Stranger but it doesn’t mean he has so much as the first damn idea what makes for an interesting, let alone a factual or relevant article about my girl and savior B-Spears, so tuck your she-dick under and put the lotion on the skin, biznastitch.

Britney: The Many Voice of Madness! - If you just look at the pitcher you’ll see it’s way fake, whatev. Stupid. Britney got big and it’s not thing cuz I did it too once but it’s not a problem still even if that’s real you can’t shoot it. Teddy Rosevelt had polio and nobody showed him gimping around so what gives you jerk asses???

Dr. Phil VS. Britney! - This one isn’t as bad since because it’s all about that horrible Dr. Phil (who isn’t even a real doctor, pardon the F out of my snug C), but it’s still trying to make money of my honey Britney, so it’s no good.

Lindsay Lohan Sure Can’t Act, PLUS! British Britney Denies Everything! - Putting pictures in a story about Britney (who has like a million kids to that unwed and empowered mama) is ugly and tupid and nothing that is Okey. They say she denies everything but that’s a lie and stupid.

Lindsay Lohan. Morgue. Britney. Looney Bin. - Putting Brittney in the same cat as Linday Lohoochie is ugly and I can’t do it. How the hell dare you clowns to insult her as such. Gimme your home address and I’ll burn that apartment down no matter how many nabors you have.

Britney Spears, Open Veins, Mrs. Reese Witherspoon-Philipe-Gyllenhaal, The Little Red String Did It! - How dare they put Britney in the same article as Little Red Ragging string. That’s no good and they have the nerve to show a picture of a totally fake Britney stuffeding into a brush-clipper. I don’t think the picture is even real, dicks!

Fame Kills Britney Spears? - Why they had to use that stoopid shave head bit kills me I hate them. This was a sniffle moment and it got caught so now she crazy? I would slash your tires if I could find your tires. Park, bizzle, I’ll find you.

No Britney Zone! PLUS! Hulk VS. Rosie! - Playing the hole Chia card is sick and I cant think you guys do all this whatever bizzle. Just stupid how could they do this?

Every time Britney Loses It… A Circus Clown Dies - Circus clowns don’t die from Britney thats a lie. They dont even die by terrifying children and they do that everyday so this iz stoopid and lies.

Britney’s Invisible Kids, Own Wilson’s Bucket of Mud, PLUS! Celebrity Adopt-o-Rama! - They ham all over her like sloppy hogs but nobody points out how even her tan is everywhere but the overhang of her flawless cheeks. SHe’s so great nobody sez that though.

Clay Aiken for a Breakin’, Also, Brittney Spears Does Britny Spears Stuff - Putting Britnye in the same box as Clay “Bumbugger” Aiken is offensive at best, so I didn’t ashley read the article but I saw the headline and the picture (prolly fake) so I didn’t even read it. Bleeeeeh, I hate it!

Britney Goes INSANE, Kidnaps Her Own Kids, Goes to Loony Bin! - Even saying Britney and Insane in the same headline is way so offensive and I won’t read past it. That’s bo-shat and we all know it.

Britney With Baby—Say it Aint’ SO! - Putting this toothless crackmaster of the front picture like this is stupid. I know Davis and he doesn’t evn han the the money needed to nail the lowly likes of me and so even hinting he could hit the Britney is pathetic and wrong and ugly by miles.

Eat…Lick…Snort… F*ck…BRITNEY SPEARS! - The pug dog in the lead image is way unfair. She doesn’t hibbidy with wrinkled dudes, she does pop icons and off-hot Persian scammers with a good story. To even think it’s anything other than that is ten kidns of retarumous.

The Spears’, The Lohans, That Penis…Oh, Ick! - These jerks put a picture of Britney Spears up melded with a Koala or something which is way stupid. She’s not evn into bears but my friend Jon is but he’s cool don’t judge.

Britney Spears Loses Her Kids…But…WHERE? - This article attacks K-Fed even though he isn’t anything at all except because Britney dared to let him slime her internally whatever. K-Fed is awesome evn though Britney says no cuz he got to give her the baby rocking. I’m ready for babies and I’d take one from a bakcup guy like hizzim, so don’t trash until you know, you know?

Britney Spears Wanted in Murder of Her Career at 2007 VMA’s, Warrant Issued! - This is so much the Teh Stoopid. She rocked the VMAs not like 100% but she did it and she was there and she showed up and did her thing. You saw Chris Crockers pathetic tears and you know she’s really the victim in the whole thing. Somebody maybe dosed her and she was sure as hell tired cuz she works so much and so hard so leave her the hell alone.

Britney Spears is an Awesome Dancer and Looks Great! - In this one they called her a “hooker zombie” and tha’t isn’t cool. I saw Shawn of the Dead so I know what a hooker zombie lo

This is the second part of my monotribe about how come, how much and way how deep I dig the awesomest, Spearest Britney. If you want to read the rest of it, CHECK HERE. This is how it goes, so check it.

Lots of people get all stupid saying her ways don’t work out, but they do. Britney is the most awesomest. Britney does everything right, even the things the stupid tabloids say she does wrong, and that’s dumb.

When she shaves her head, it’s not cuz she’s messed up, it’s cuz it’s hot here in So Cal. When she gets a tat, it’s cuz she wants to express her awesome-ass-self. When she marries her high school sweetheart, it ain’t cuz she thinks he’s the same Jason Alexander from Seinfeld, it’s her thing because she wants that ounce of beautiful, annullable love. She earned it, she got it, and it was a publicity boon for her poon and it sold her a million records.

Plus she got to have the sex with him in the sanctity of marriage (I don’t believe in it myself but if it’s your thing that’s cool) Think about it. She got to have sex inside of marriage for like fifteen hours in the good graces of that God guy, and she got a million bucks in free pube-lice-ity at the same time.

Way cool.

So why didn’t she show up in court? Why didn’t she show up in court like five times? It’s because she knows sutff, and she’s way powerful. She knows what’s going on and she’s got knowledge that the rest of us don’t get to know or have or stuff.

If Britney does it, she’s doing it right.

That smartass stupid ass judge doesn’t know what the hell. The judge doesn’t know what it’s all about. That stupid ass judge doesn’t know a damn thing. If miss judgeship knew the first damn thing about the life of Britney and what she does for the world, she would rule in favor of her every time.

WHY? B/CUZ Britney is the best, period, and I mean all-month-period; period.

She didn’t show up in court because she’s busy and a single mother. She showed up to court and left (twice or whatever) because she’s too on top of her game to face “the man”. I’ve been to court for whatever (total bullshizzle, it was a solicitation charge I plead down to trespassing but it was still a joke the guy who arrested me was one of my guys whatever.)

You try selling a million records a year and raising two flopped around kids as a divorced mother who loves the coke like everybody does. No biggy forget it right?

And don’t be like “oh she doesn’t even have custody of the kids” because that’s a sore subject with me, and it’s stupid because she’s obviously the best mom since her mom, right?

That stupid judge lady (or guy who cares) has never done anything Britney-worthy, so who does she think she is judging her? Britney only has to answer to God, and she will. Maybe soon but whatever.

(If you didn’t read the first part of this you should look around and find it because it makes more sense when you read all of it. It’s here on my site.)

Wanna know all abouts? Yeah, can’t blame you, I’m pretty awesome and if you ever read my blog you so know it. Kewl!

I’m 14 years old, I live on my own (yeah, you read it, I’m an indipendint woman) and I’ve been holding my own since I was 11. Know it’s messed but it’s what the cards that God gave me. Just proves he’s a dick but I still pray to him (or at least call out his name when the mood moves me if you no what I mean.)

I live in Longbeach Cali, usually pretty close to the beach but sometimes pretty far out. My home goes in an out with the tides (or other things that go in and out, but whavev!)

And if you wanna know something about me you have to know I AM BRITNEY SPEARS FREAK!

We are friends, kind of but not close. She gives me advice and helps me no how to live my life, and tho she’s got some trouble I still love her and I’m there for her too. If anything happened to her I would so be there for her and she has to know that. I’m not on voice dial maybe but still.

Tho this site is all and way about Britney I can’t say she officially endorses it. Sure she’s my girl and I love her but it’s prolly the lawyer guys that keep us apart. No thang. You know she totally would approve it if she wasn’t all 5150′d in the hospital (total BS, she’s not crazy).