Here’s a joke for you. What’s the difference between the New York Times and your house burning down while you and your kids stand on the curb wondering what happened? One keeps homeless people warm and the other is a newspaper! Yep, congrats bastard, you’re homeless.

I hope you like your beater car because it’s gonna have a matt at the door that says “Home Sweet Home” today, nutsucker. Yep, as if by magic you’re out of a life, just like I’m out of the life you let me think we could have together. Maybe you didn’t say it, but burying your face in my tuna steak comes with more than just a suggestion, it’s an aperture of commitment and you knew that when you said you loved me. You said it and I heard it and you know it. You said, “Oh God I love this”. We both know what that meant. You loved ME, just like Britney would have wanted.

And don’t be all like I’m crazy or something. Left Eye burnt down her boyfriend’s house and she’s doing great today. Fire is just a representation of the heat of our love. I hate you. I hate you and I want to see you in prison, and you will be very soon if the district attorney takes my testimony seriously, which he will because I gave him the same thing I gave you and that’s fair because all is fair in love, war and the war or love, if you catch my drift.

Catch my drift, Kevin, I’m not pussyfooting around… I will let you pussyfoot me if you call, but you have to do it before Tuesday morning. That’s when I’m meeting with the attorneys about the whole statutory rape thing. It’s not illegal if we get married, just think about that.

Call me honey. You have my number, I painted it on your house, all over your car, and I mailed it to your office a bunch of times. You have my contact info so let’s just get past all this ugliness. Seriously baby, let’s start our life together today.

Okay honey, I’ll play your cat and mouse game. You be Tom and I’ll be Jerry, that’s a cartoon from your era, right? You’re playing hard to get and I love it I guess. You already put your cheese in my trap but I’ll play along. Come back to me today and I won’t get all crazy about it. It’s no problem if we’re going about it your way, but I have to say I’ll burn your house down tonight while you’re sleeping in it if you don’t get back with me (ha ha, LOL).

Seriously honey, we were meant to be together so just get back to me and let’s make our life together happen. You can be my agent and I can be your only client and we can get famous together. I miss you baby. Call me or text me. You have the number and I’ll leave my window unlocked for you. Love you baby.

Whatever Britney does, we can all do, and believe you me, I’ve done them my own self like nobodies business, except for maybe the business of my old man Jayreece, who liked to take a cut off my stuff whatever for years at least.

In the press Britney appears to be serial monogamous, but she’s way more freaky than that, in case you’re dumb or or some kind of L, G or R-Tard.

All that’s good enough so let’s talk all over the threesome, or like I like to call it, the triple-rich triple gang, gangbang.

I’m not a slut, don’t judge me. You can’t get that right.

So I been in bunch of threesomes and you can too!

What you have to do is make sure you’re slusterlove is right for you. You’re a girl so make sure it’s two girls and a guy or (if you can make it happen) two girls and that guy (you might have to bring your own girls, so make sure your wing matron is up for it before you bring her out.)

If it’s three girls, you have to go back to that commercial on TV I never saw from the 60s where the old lady that died asked “Where’s the beef?” Seriously though, where’s the sausage? Answer me that before doing the three girl thing, and make sure that a camera is rolling you get paid the webcast bonus for it. For real, that’s where the money is for real. At least some goodies for way sure.

Guys don’t like the two dude thing, but it’s where it’s at. It’s how we do the hold shish kabob business and how you get the glory of unholy stabbing from two or more ends at a time. If this is what you’re all about, and if you aren’t, think about it because it doubles your odds of landing a man for keeps, so there you go.

You know Britney has done it more times than the Paparazzo can even dream to shoot, so don’t feel like you’re getting nastier than her, so just make that bizzle work and make that magic happen all deep in your sticky girl spot and move on.

Hey Kevin, if that really is your name, which it is, Kevin Waterston who lives in Seal Beach, California with his stupid damn wife Meagan Waterston (maiden name Venice, who is a total bitch even if I don’t know her stupid slut ass). I’ve got some bad news for you, jerk stick. Care to guess where the graffiti on the side of your house came from? Yep, that was your precious little vagimuffin you so gleefully gobbled, and you can bet your sweet, sour, pudgy ass it’s just the first in a long, long string of the same.

If you don’t like seeing KEVIN WHROE painted on the side of your house you should have not been a whore or at least not been with someone as dyslexic as me. Britney is empowered and probably dyslexic too. She stabs the paparazzi with her umbrella as sure as she lets the paparazzi stab her all up in that split (they’re all she knows, so they’re the guys she dates, don’t be stupid about it.)

I’m just saying that, if you didn’t already understand it, now you do. I know where you live and I am not afraid to come to your house while you’re sleeping and do whatever things come to my mind. My new boyfriend Jiham helps me too, but don’t think we’re totally together or anything, we’re not, we’re just friends, I haven’t slept with him or anything (we did other things but they don’t count you know.)

Hey Kevin, ever wonder why the Crips are giving you a hard time, maybe roughing up your stupid kids when they’re waiting for the bus? Maybe it’s because of that letter you sent to them. Ever wonder why the Bloods stabbed your dumb wife? Maybe it’s because you sent them a letter you sent them telling them how much you watch them selling drugs in front of your house.

I’m not saying I sent letters to rival gangs in your neighborhood saying that you hate them or anything, but I might say that even the Latin Kings might have a bone to pick with (from?) you (r dead, rotting body).

Have you heard burnouts in your alley all night and seen your garbage can stolen repeatedly? Wow, that’s weird, it’s like you don’t get what’s going on. It’s like you can’t see destiny when my honeyspot stares you in the tongue, which it has with unbelievable delight (one time only, and never again, but maybe call me and we can talk about it, You know you have the number so just call me honey.)

If bad things happen to your wife or kids, it’s no big deal baby. You and me can still be together whatever happens to them. You know I’ll still accept you as my one and true only love. God I love you and I miss you and I just want to hold you again in my arms tonight. I won’t put up a fight daddy, I promise, but you have to let me in for me to let you in. I’m not flaring up this week so it will be safe, I promise, just come back to me and I’ll let you have me entirely.

This ain’t free, but it might be right affordable, sez my new friend Tryee. I met him maybe a couple months back when I was hittin the bowling alley way late at night, and he’s way cool and wears the bling like nothing else, and his car is hot as hell (it’s like a 90’s Chevy and it’s pimped to the gills and bounced on the right damn times and people next to us at the light love it.)

Thing is I can’t say he’s perfect cool cuz he said he had cop protection but when we got pulled over he was pulled out and arrested (some old traffic ticket he called and told me from jail) and the pigs picked me up and sent me home saying I got saved and protected from him cuz he’s some kind of bad guy but he talked so good and I like him like mad hell.

So what’s my philosofee?

I like to think of myself as a smart woman who knows what the hell is going on around her, and I know I am. He’s not that bad and I’m not stupid about it. I have an internal fourth sense about these things and it’s something better than my sense of smell, so check it.

My phiosofrees are:

- If it feels good, you’d be stupid not to do it.

- If it pays well, you’d be insane not to let it happen.

- If it’s got nose or vein candy just take it and make off,

- If he’s gross just tell him you’re underage and run like hell.

- There’s nothing you can’t get out of, no matter how bad it is, by gobbling like a turkey, you chicken.

- Don’t think about your parents crying thinking about what things you have to do to get by, your parents did it too (both of them, yes) and just shut up, close your eyes, suppress the bad memories, think of your favorite Britney song and use it as your rhythm for what you have to do to get the money you need.

- Don’t be mad if he “hits you baby one more time”

- Go off the pill whenever you can and trap that man if he has a good enough car and retire tomorrow with your interracial baby in tow.

My Philosofee is that I charge only a small fee, and it’s pretty affordable, and I’ll do whatevery I have to to make the whole thing happen cuz I gots mad bills to get paid and you’re my new boss. I work my ass off, but really I work my ass “on”, but it’s really “on” your face, and you like it cux of my age and it’s all flawless so let’s do this.

That’s my phiosofree.

So it’s like way dumb and I never should have but one day I was wandering the streets near the room I stole to live in and I met a guy who was super nice and gave me a killer hot lunch and he offered me some company and I would have been a bizzle to say no so I said maybe.

He wasn’t a bad guy and I still say that today. He wasn’t a creepy guy he said him and his wife wanted to help me out and be good people to me and they were. I came to his home and she was there waiting for me with a homemade dinner and a hot bath. I didn’t get my clothes back for a long time but it kind of worked out because they were so nice to me.

My parents were always way high and punching me in the face and ribs but these people were so different they loved all over me nad gave me hugs and made my life feel complete.

Thank you Donald and Maria, you guys were always good to me and I will never forget you and I’ll always have a special place for you in a place where you’ve always been, somewhere inside me.

So you know, that’s kind of that. Post comments and replies after this post and we’ll talk about it from there if you know what I mean.

I know you read those stupid tabloids that chase Britney around and make her life miserably and if you do that you have to stop. I see you in line at the grocery store and your buying it and I’m going to say something to you I always do. There is one on the internet called Daily Contempt and they are the worst.

They make up lies about Britney and think their so funny. They are funny but that’s not the point. They attack Britney and she’s a good person (maybe the best) and she didn’t do anything to deserve this.

They aren’t lies really but they make it sound like lies and that’s just as bad. They take little things she does, normal stuff like driving without the kid buckled in right, and they make it like she’s a devil or something.

Heres some headlines they did and why they are so stupid. (These only go back like a couple months, so check out how super dumb and biased this BS is even such a short term.)

____________________________________

Britny Brain Damaged and Secretly Drugged - What hog gobbledy wash, she isn’t SECRETLY drug addicted a damn bit, that’s teh-tarded. She’s OPENLY drugged you assclownhats. What teh ever.

Nothing About Brittney Spears or Eva Mendez or Kirsten Dunst, Dammit! - Suggesting that these celbrititasticoochies are “sluts” as the pictures suggests just becauase thehy are free to sleep with anywhatever guys hot enough to wander through is outdated, arcanist and sexy. That means it favors just men, hellO!

Britney in for the Long Haul! - If you’re going to be an f’ing C about it, do it with better grammar. I know this Adrian Rian John is all about writing for that fag rag in Seattle called The Stranger but it doesn’t mean he has so much as the first damn idea what makes for an interesting, let alone a factual or relevant article about my girl and savior B-Spears, so tuck your she-dick under and put the lotion on the skin, biznastitch.

Britney: The Many Voice of Madness! - If you just look at the pitcher you’ll see it’s way fake, whatev. Stupid. Britney got big and it’s not thing cuz I did it too once but it’s not a problem still even if that’s real you can’t shoot it. Teddy Rosevelt had polio and nobody showed him gimping around so what gives you jerk asses???

Dr. Phil VS. Britney! - This one isn’t as bad since because it’s all about that horrible Dr. Phil (who isn’t even a real doctor, pardon the F out of my snug C), but it’s still trying to make money of my honey Britney, so it’s no good.

Lindsay Lohan Sure Can’t Act, PLUS! British Britney Denies Everything! - Putting pictures in a story about Britney (who has like a million kids to that unwed and empowered mama) is ugly and tupid and nothing that is Okey. They say she denies everything but that’s a lie and stupid.

Lindsay Lohan. Morgue. Britney. Looney Bin. - Putting Brittney in the same cat as Linday Lohoochie is ugly and I can’t do it. How the hell dare you clowns to insult her as such. Gimme your home address and I’ll burn that apartment down no matter how many nabors you have.

Britney Spears, Open Veins, Mrs. Reese Witherspoon-Philipe-Gyllenhaal, The Little Red String Did It! - How dare they put Britney in the same article as Little Red Ragging string. That’s no good and they have the nerve to show a picture of a totally fake Britney stuffeding into a brush-clipper. I don’t think the picture is even real, dicks!

Fame Kills Britney Spears? - Why they had to use that stoopid shave head bit kills me I hate them. This was a sniffle moment and it got caught so now she crazy? I would slash your tires if I could find your tires. Park, bizzle, I’ll find you.

No Britney Zone! PLUS! Hulk VS. Rosie! - Playing the hole Chia card is sick and I cant think you guys do all this whatever bizzle. Just stupid how could they do this?

Every time Britney Loses It… A Circus Clown Dies - Circus clowns don’t die from Britney thats a lie. They dont even die by terrifying children and they do that everyday so this iz stoopid and lies.

Britney’s Invisible Kids, Own Wilson’s Bucket of Mud, PLUS! Celebrity Adopt-o-Rama! - They ham all over her like sloppy hogs but nobody points out how even her tan is everywhere but the overhang of her flawless cheeks. SHe’s so great nobody sez that though.

Clay Aiken for a Breakin’, Also, Brittney Spears Does Britny Spears Stuff - Putting Britnye in the same box as Clay “Bumbugger” Aiken is offensive at best, so I didn’t ashley read the article but I saw the headline and the picture (prolly fake) so I didn’t even read it. Bleeeeeh, I hate it!

Britney Goes INSANE, Kidnaps Her Own Kids, Goes to Loony Bin! - Even saying Britney and Insane in the same headline is way so offensive and I won’t read past it. That’s bo-shat and we all know it.

Britney With Baby—Say it Aint’ SO! - Putting this toothless crackmaster of the front picture like this is stupid. I know Davis and he doesn’t evn han the the money needed to nail the lowly likes of me and so even hinting he could hit the Britney is pathetic and wrong and ugly by miles.

Eat…Lick…Snort… F*ck…BRITNEY SPEARS! - The pug dog in the lead image is way unfair. She doesn’t hibbidy with wrinkled dudes, she does pop icons and off-hot Persian scammers with a good story. To even think it’s anything other than that is ten kidns of retarumous.

The Spears’, The Lohans, That Penis…Oh, Ick! - These jerks put a picture of Britney Spears up melded with a Koala or something which is way stupid. She’s not evn into bears but my friend Jon is but he’s cool don’t judge.

Britney Spears Loses Her Kids…But…WHERE? - This article attacks K-Fed even though he isn’t anything at all except because Britney dared to let him slime her internally whatever. K-Fed is awesome evn though Britney says no cuz he got to give her the baby rocking. I’m ready for babies and I’d take one from a bakcup guy like hizzim, so don’t trash until you know, you know?

Britney Spears Wanted in Murder of Her Career at 2007 VMA’s, Warrant Issued! - This is so much the Teh Stoopid. She rocked the VMAs not like 100% but she did it and she was there and she showed up and did her thing. You saw Chris Crockers pathetic tears and you know she’s really the victim in the whole thing. Somebody maybe dosed her and she was sure as hell tired cuz she works so much and so hard so leave her the hell alone.

Britney Spears is an Awesome Dancer and Looks Great! - In this one they called her a “hooker zombie” and tha’t isn’t cool. I saw Shawn of the Dead so I know what a hooker zombie lo

Hey Kevin, want to hear a funny story? Your mom called the other day, she was all torn up because you died. Yep, you were carjacked in South Central picking up an underage prostitute. Funny isn’t it? The story had me in stitches.

Might have read about your demise in the Los Angeles Times obituaries, but oh wait, you couldn’t because you were in Puerto Vallarta with your stupid whore wife and your four stupid whore wife’s kids who are also your damn kids. I knew you were incommunicado because I’ve been watching you. My new boyfriend Jason is an amateur private investigator, and he tracked your dumb ass down to the minute. Your mom died inside when she read your suicide note.

Oh yeah, you left a suicide note you drippy dickhead. Oh, drippy? Yes, I just got the results back. I’m not pregnant, but I am seeping from the seams, and I know it isn’t any of the other guys I’ve been with since we did it. All of them told me they were tested and clean, so it was obviously you, dummy. Jason, Dave, Tom, Howard, Ishmael, Rowan, Egy and Brennan were all way clean, and half of them didn’t even hit me in the front, so it was you and we both know it. I hope your stupid wife goes blind from your clap.

Call me when you get back, we need to talk and hang out if we can. I miss you honey. We can still be good for both of us.

Album: Greatest Hits: My Prerogative - Year: 2004

This song is all about venereal disease (sexually transmitted disease, STD or VD), and how it’s not a big deal. Obviously I’ve been with other guys and I don’t use condoms because they’re dumb and Britney doesn’t use them (two kids, hello!) so getting the random drip ain’t a biggy, just accept it, get the Amoxicillin and move on. Cool? Cool! Just do it like a Nike.

So let’s look at the lyrics and talk Toxic, she’s Britney bitch!

Baby, can’t you see (you can’t because it’s dark)

I’m calling (for you to come over, come under and come deep all up ins)

A guy like you

Should wear a warning (Mr. Yuk sticker)

It’s dangerous (cuz I didn’t know you were drippy on the tippy, dick!)

I’m fallin’ (cuz I’m syphilitic and infected)

There’s no escape (from your biotic infection, but it’s cool)

I can’t wait (even if I itch a bit)

I need a hit (of anything you got, maybe pills or whatever, maybe just your stuff and junk)

Baby, give me it (your ding dong dangly bits)

You’re dangerous (and I know it now, ten days later because you’re all junked up in the front)

I’m lovin’ it (for at least ten minutes at a blast)

Too high (never too high, this is a metaphorical thing or a simile like too high or something)

Can’t come down (but can come “on” if you know what I mean)

Losing my head (but you’ll lose your head as long as you lose it from me the right way, baby)

Spinning ‘round and ‘round (the way I get dizzy and twirley when I do what I do on you)

Do you feel me now (or will you be better to feel me later when I put my feel on you)

With a taste of your lips (even if it’s the backdoor lips)

I’m on a ride (if you know how I hop on the coaster)

You’re toxic I’m slipping under

With a taste of a poison paradise (that’s like the garden of Eden all messed up)

I’m addicted to you (because I’m a drip junky you was so hot but now I might hate you)

Don’t you know that you’re toxic (Seriously, maybe haven’t you been tested or anything?)

And I love what you do (with the way you rock it all up ins me)

Don’t you know that you’re toxic (seriously though, get tested sometimes or something)

It’s getting late (too late to hit the clinic, so it’s all good if you don’t f’ing lie to me)

To give you up (or me give it up to you)

I took a sip (from your tip)

From my devil’s cup (or the Beelzebub rim)

Slowly (or at any speed)

It’s taking over me (like you’re finishing all over me, so there you go)

Too high (or maybe barely just high enough. Britney doesn’t get too high, she gets maybe just barely high enough)

Can’t come down (which is Britney saying “come, come in”)

It’s in the air (your money shot)

And it’s all around (my hair, face, chest, and anywhere else you can spout it)

Can you feel me now (cuz I’m drenched in you which is awesome and I love it, but if you cross me I swear to Christ I’ll ruin your life)

With a taste of your lips, I’m on a ride (Coney Island or Pony Island, both work for me)

You’re toxic I’m slipping under (your body, face, whatever)

With a taste of a poison paradise (which is no biggy by me)

I’m addicted to you (like the manly, sick drug you are to me, daddy)

Don’t you know that you’re toxic (get checked)

And I love what you do (if you’re not still with your wife)

Don’t you know that you’re toxic (hit up the clinic and find out for sure cuz I got this from somewhere)

[Repeat Chorus]

Intoxicate me now (in private)

With your lovin’ now (or whatever you call it)

I think I’m ready now (cuz I think I’m old enough, no I KNOW I am)

I think I’m ready now (for serious)

Intoxicate me now (with whatever you got in your back pocket or hidden in your shoe)

With your lovin’ now (whatever you call it, honey daddy man)

I think I’m ready now (in the ways it matters)